Garggravarrgala / Madame Varla
Proprietor of Chez Ogrez
|CLASS||LEVEL||HD||DEITY||ORIGIN||ALIGN||MOVE BASE||SPECIAL MOVE|
|Ogre Magi||11th||11+2||Inanna||Ogre-fen-ogre Fen||CE||6"||15 "|
Max Henchmen: 4
LANGUAGES: Ogre, Common Tongue, CE Alignment, IEG Tribal
SAVING THROWS (BASE):
Breath Weapon: 13
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Fly (12 turns), Invisibility, Cause darkness (10 turns), Polymprph to humanoid, regenerate 1 point once per day, Charm person, Sleep, Gaseous form, Cold ray (8d8)
Ogress: Greenish skin, Black nail polish, Very white teeth, Ivory tusks and horns, Dark pupils with white centers, plate mail, 2-handed sword.
Humanoid: Rich espresso skin, Blue-black hair, Sparkly gold makeup, black disco dress over sheer leather armor.
SPECIAL: Considered by a heretical cult of Garggian scholars to be the most likely birth mother of Gargleblasst, Hero of Pahand.
THE LEGEND OF VARLA:
I The Death of a King
His Voracious Hideosity, Lord High Ogrelord, and Supreme Ogre Magus, King Garrggraliggularr XIV, died unexpectedly at dinner one evening by choking on a hot-pocket stuffed with a small red dragon cub. The reluctant hors d’oeuvre, having not quite been thoroughly cooked, expressed its extreme displeasure at the proceedings, resulting in a fatal case of heartburn for the king. The indignant dragonet then burst forth from the king’s chest — a grand exit worthy of famed ogre-artist Haycharrggeigarr. Throughout the King’s death throes, Her Sublime Flatulence, Queen Gaggamaggette admonished her spouse, “I told you those things weren’t good for you, but did YOU listen? — Nooooo!”
At the reading of the Royal Will, Crown Princess Garggravarggala (Varla), and her two younger sisters, Garrgrabelle (Bella) and Garrgaritta (Rita), were highly incensed to learn that their father had rejected their claims to the Ogre Throne in favor of his youngest child, Grunt (Grunt). Although a whiny spoiled brat, the runt of the litter, and a socially inept, intellectually challenged specimen famous for spectacular temper tantrums, Grunt was, like his father before him, the only heir possessed of the requisite “third leg”. Thus, Grunt’s claim to power was “in the bag”, while his elder and more capable siblings were doomed to lives of privileged mediocrity. The protests of Varla and her sisters were dismissed by the Regents, and plans for Grunt’s Coronation proceeded unhindered. Thus, on the Great Day of Ascendancy of King Garrggraliggularr XV, the Three Sisters “girlcotted” the Coronation Ceremony, TP-ed the Banquet Hall, and set forth into the Great Outside to form the first and only known Sorority of Ogre Magi: I-ETA-GUY.
II Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Thus ensued a hideous reign of terror, as Varla and her Sisters cut a swath of plunder and pillage across the civilized world. Always on the move, accompanied by their hench-ogresses (IEG “pledges”) and their miserable human slaves (“little brothers”), the Sisters lay in wait beside remote stretches of highway in order to waylay wealthy travelers. By means of ingeniously crafted traps, ruthless ferocity, sheer brute strength, and an almost fanatical devotion to… well, nevermind…they would bring down entire wagon trains, subdue and restrain the human victims, and slaughter the horses for barbecue. During the raucous feasting which followed, the most fortunate victims were merely deprived of their valuables, dignity, and lives. The least fortunate, typically the youngest, strongest, and most handsome men, were enslaved and forced into lives of abject degradation, in service to the Sisters of IEG. Decorum prohibits further speculation as to the perversions endured by these poor bastards before death or insanity finally claimed them.
III Payback Time
The Sisters’ notorious escapades continued virtually unchecked for almost 15 years before the Cities finally joined forces to bring these vile criminals to justice. A rich reward was posted for the heads of the three ringleaders. Bands of adventurers set out to slay the Ogresses and claim the reward, but none was able to bring back the heads, and many would-be slayers met with violent deaths, compliments of the IEG. The final attack attributable to the Sisters occurred on the road southbound from Pahand a few months following the Great Hatyadian Siege. Afterward, the activities of the Sisters abruptly and mysteriously ceased, but no one ever stepped forward to claim the reward. The IEG faded into obscurity, never to be seen or heard from again. As time went on, tales of their exploits were celebrated, growing more and more outrageous with each retelling. It is now almost impossible to separate fact from fiction.
IV Seduction of The Holy
One noteworthy legend is particularly deserving of mention. Unlike common ogres, the Ogre Magi were highly intelligent, and they possessed innate magical capabilities. One of their favorite means to entrap victims was for one ogress to polymorph into the guise of a beautiful woman stranded by the roadside. When the victims stopped to offer assistance, they were descended upon by other ogres concealed nearby. A fate similar to this once befell a small group of Clerics-in-Training, teenaged disciples of Siduri, as they journeyed home from a ritualistic CIT camp-out and beer bash marking the completion of their initiation. The Sisters had just finished plundering a particularly rich caravan of traders that evening and, pleasantly surfeited from their feast, were strolling through the forest, picking chunks of specie from their fangs, and enjoying the moonlight, as they recounted the exploits of their day. Presently they spied in the distance the smoke from the Brothers’ campfire. They crept forward to investigate, and were excited to find a group of handsome young men. The sisters immediately morphed into their beautiful maidenly forms and, using their enhanced charisma and spells of “charm-person”, they easily seduced the young men, with the certain intent of robbing, murdering, and/or enslaving their victims ere morning. Much beer and wine was consumed that evening, and much lovemaking ensued before sleep overtook the revelers.
Fortunately for the holy men, Varla, Bella, and Rita, unlike human women, had never experienced the drinking of large quantities of beer and wine. The “ladies” fell into a deep sleep from which they did not emerge until the following evening. They were finally awakened by their minions, who discovered them sprawled unconscious about a cold campfire.
V A Narrow Escape
The brothers of Sidduri, however, being tolerant of alcoholic spirits, suffered no ill effects. Upon awakening refreshed the following morning, they were aghast to find three gigantic, extraordinarily hideous female monsters snoring thunderously as they lay, completely starkers, beside the similarly unclad men. Quickly donning their robes, the men forsook their other posessions and ran for their lives back to the safety of their monastery. From atop the highest tower, the Brothers sang prayers of thanksgiving to Siduri, blessed goddess of beer and wine, for delivering them from almost certain death. They then swore a solemn oath never to speak of the events of that horrific night. Then, being full of bladder, they ritually relieved themselves from the tower’s edge, solemnly crossing the golden streams to seal their oaths.
VI Birth of a Hero
In the weeks that followed, Varla found herself to be pregnant. In the fullness of time, she was delivered of a healthy male child, whom she named “Garrgleblasst”. The infant was the apple core of his mother’s eye, and was showered with affection by his aunts. The IEG pledges and minions spoiled little Gargg completely rotten, in keeping with his status as an infant Ogre Magus of the Royal Line. As he grew, however, it became apparent to all that Gargg was not like the other ogres. He began to exhibit more and more humanlike behaviors. By the time he was two, Varla despaired of Gargg’s ever being able to fit in with the tribe. She had, quite frankly, become bored with the responsibilities and demands of motherhood, and she longed for a return to her carefree, childless, completely CE existence. Late one might, having morphed into her womanly form, Varla crept into a human city under cover of darkness. Upon the doorstep of the Palace Guard, she left young Gargg with a haunch of horsemeat, a blanket, and his favorite toys — two very large stones for smashing together. Little Gargg was found the following morning by the Guard Captain, and was summarily adopted as company mascot by the Garrison.
This, then, is the Legend of Varla, the mother of Garggleblasst, whose son grew to become a mighty warrior of great renown. Gargg, himself, never offered any comment concerning the identity or whereabouts of his parents. Garggian scholars have been unable to prove that Gargg was anything other than fully (albeit eccentrically) human. No credible theories have been put forth as to the identity of Gargg’s father. Gargg’s true parentage is officially unknown, and is the subject of much debate among Ki historians. As Gargg would say, “Sometimes, ignorance be bliss. Heh heh!”