Chef Gargg

Executive Chef de la Cuisine at Chez Ogrez

Description:

RACE: Half-Ogre Magus
GENDER: Male
ORIENTATION: Straight
AGE: 13 years
HEIGHT: 5’23.5" (still growing)
WEIGHT: 297#
AC: -3
HP: 65 (65) / died twice / 58 incl +1 ione stone
LEVEL: VII (Champion)
3/2 Attacks / round
XP: 80,000
PATRON DEITY: (Blessed by Innana, Red Goddess of Love, War)
ORIGIN: Selangod (first documented sighting)
ALIGNMENT: (whatever)
WHEREABOUTS: Unknown
PARTY AFFILIATION: “I Eta Guy” Sorority
LIKES: "GARGG ‘PEOPLE-PERSON’. GARGG LIKE SMASHING, SHOUTING, FUNNY STUFF, PARTIES, SINGING, DANCING, PUN-ISHMENT, BEER, STUFFED PORKCHOPS, JUGGLING HEADS, GREAT BIG DOGGIES, POETRY, GEYSER BATHS, CHAOS, EXPLOSIONS, EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY, LEARNINGTHREE R’S”, AND LOOTING."
DISLIKES: “MEAN PEOPLE, LAWFUL A-Holes, ASSASSINS, LEECHES, ENLIL-QUISITION, GUYS NAMED LESkTER-THE-WEAK.”
TURN-ONS: MORE SMASH!!!
TURN-OFFS: blah-blah; leeches; time-wasting dumbasses; cowards; betrayers; leeches; no-fair-STINKIN’-magicks; leeches; broccoli; and MORE LEECHES!!!.
RESUME: 1. CHAMPION OF PAHAND
2. BOUNCER, LILAC INN, PAHAND CITY, RETIRED
3. EXECUTIVE CHEF DE LA CUISINE, CHEZ OGREZ
4. RECENTLY SPENT ONE WEEK DEAD FOR TAX PURPOSES
5. ADVENTURER

STATS ADJUSTMENTS
STR 18/89 TO HIT +2 TO DAMAGE +4 OPEN DOORS 1-4 BEND BARS 30%
DEX 17 REACT +2 MISSL +2 DEFENSE -3
CON (16)14+1 pink ione stone +2HP/LEVEL SYSTM SHOCK 95% RES SURV 96% max was 16!
| INT 10
ADD LANG +0 KNOWN SPELL +0 MIN SPELLS +0 MAX SPELLS +0
WIZ 12-1 MAGICAL BONUS +0 SPELL BONUS +0 SPELL FAILURE 55%
CHR 07 MAX HENCHMEN +0 LOYALTY BASE + 0 REACT ADJ + 0
COMBAT PROFICIENCIES DAMAGE SM DAMAGE Lg DAMAGE LARGE
+2 2H SWORD d10 3d6 +2 HIT DAM weapon +4 DAM STR +2 HIT DEX
2-H SWORD (“SMASH!!!”) 5-14 7-22
LONG BOW (“SPLICK!”) 1-6 1-6 1-6
X-BOW 1-6 1-6 1-6
FISTS (“SMASH!!!”)
ROPE TRICKS
Mace
SAVING THROWS
PARALYSIS, POISON, DEATH: 10
PETRIFICATION, POLYMORPH: 11
ROD, STAFF, WAND: 12
BREATH WEAPON: 12
SPELLS: 13
WEAKNESS: POISON GAS SAVING THROW IS (-2)

BFFs: Martina, Sherry, Threnody, Tru, Rottie, Bubba, Frosty

SPECIALIZED GARGG SKILLS:

CHEF DE LA CUISINE, CHEZ OGREZ, THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE DUNGEON.

BERSERKER RAGE: Triggered only when Gargg is exceptionally pissed off, and at maximum of one episode per day for every 3 levels, rounding down. Additional +2/HD (melee weapons only), +2AC, +1d10 HP (temporary). Cannot concentrate mind during rage. Duration is 1d10 + char level rounds, even if foes all killed. Followed by fatigue phase: -2/HD (all weapons), 30 ft slower when fatigued. Things known to exceptionally piss Gargg off include assassin attacks upon his person, “Lester The Weak”, attacks by giant leeches, incapacity due to no-fair stinkin’ magicks, and being low on HP in melee combat.

OTHER TENDENCIES: SMASH, JUGGLE HEADS, LIGHTFINGERS, FIBS, INSULTS, SARCASM, PUNS, B.O., HALITOSIS, FLATULENCE, ERUCTATION, ATTRACT/CATCH FLIES, NOOGIES, WEDGIES, ELABORATE PRACTICAL JOKES, ARM WRESTLING, COUNTS TO LEVEL+1, SPELLS (‘GARGG’, ‘SMASH’, ‘FART’, ‘SHADY’), CHARM FERAL DOGS, CELEBRITY EGO TRIPS, LEADERSHIP, HEROISM

ARMOR CLASS: -3
STANDARD GEAR:
2 Plate Mail, +2 2H sword, Helm of iron, +1 Mace, ereshkigal tatt skin,
Sickle of Kronos ($6k) d8
1 (x2dam against MU, cleric, Magic using monsters)
Holding hand of Vax.

OTHER GEAR:
+1 Long Bow c quiver, 32 +2 arrows, 20 arrows
Light Crossbow c 21 bolts
5 daggers, 9 darts
5 arrows of teeth of metal dragons

Rope 250 ft, grapple hook, lasso,
2 Torches, Tenders and flints
1 bag dingo poop (in case of emergencies)
2 flasks oil. 20 vials c wicks, 10 shop rags.
350 ft. Ball of twine, 500 ft spool of black thread, sewing needle.
Belt c large and small pouches, One large sack,
Canteen, 4 wk iron rations, 5 d pork jerky
Portable tent
Potion extra healing x 2
Eternal light source

MOUNT: Ox (named “Ox”), Quarter horse (named “2-bit”)

LOOT:
| GP 3424| SP 43 | EP 1 | CP 0 | PTP 2|
1 ring (worn, left pinkie): nonmagical, garnet and gold
1 pink ione stone of +1 CON
1 silver charm, friendship bracelet, GG ring, perfume (Maka)
Necklace of two Gorgosaur canines (K’em)

HEADS:
1 Catbanger Guy
3 Hydra (Blue, Green, Red)
1 Greenhead
1 Shape Changer (Harlo Jenks)
0 Cannibal Magic-User Guy (Mr. Warren from evil train); gave head to Mr. Tennyson)
0 Smooching Zombies from evil train (Burned ‘em)
2 Evil clerics of Velikul
1 Flying Lion
1 K’em War (temporarily)
1 Giant stone throwing Guy
1 Owlbear Kodiak head, 2 beaks
Uncle Dan (high level fighter)
3 metal dragon heads

Other:
5 Vials Hydra-goo (Green, Red, Blue, White, Yellow)
Dried Hydra-guts (Heart, Liver, Gallbladder)
Map of Great Outside (Road to Laketown and Vicinity, c location of suspicious statues)

MORE TO COME
Certain limited OGRE-Mage skills TBA

Bio:

Gargg’s origins are lost to obscurity, and the Chronicles indulge in no small degree of speculation concerning his parentage. This much is certain: At about age two, Gargg was discovered in Selangod, sitting on the doorstep of the Captain of the Palace Guard, banging two large stones together and hollering “GARGG SMASH!” — his first documented words. A tag inside his shirt, written in letters of silver, in a flowing, aristocratic hand, read “Garggleblasst”. Charmed by his brutish, yet disarmingly immature countenance, and amused by Gargg’s enthusiasm for wanton destruction, the Guards took him in, and raised him as their mascot. Gargg was outfitted in a suit of leather armor, and armed with a wooden short sword. The Guardsmen doted upon Gargg shamelessly, spoiling him rotten. Soon he accompanied them on their daily training maneuvers, laughing, shoving, and shouting lustily as he marched along behind his newfound elder brothers.

Gargg thrived in the company of the Guardsmen, and he grew with surprising alacrity. At age 5, he was as tall as the average Guard, he outweighed most of them, and his muscles rippled beneath his bursting leather armor. He could defeat half of the Guards at simple games, such as arm wrestling, thumb-fighting, and “pull my finger”. He was given a suit of chain mail, an iron helm, a shield, and a bastard sword, and he was permitted to stand his first night-watch. By age 7 he was taller than his compatriots, and was fully accepted as one of them. He traded his shield and weapon for a full sized two-handed sword, which he inevitably named “SMASH!”. After duty hours, Gargg was oft seen carousing with his mates in low-class pubs and dives in downtown Selangod. He developed a taste for buckets of beer, heaping platters of stuffed pork chops, unrestrained brawling, perverse (and artfully executed) practical jokes, and all varieties of rude, crude, and socially unacceptable, scatological humor.

By age 8, Gargg had reached a height of 5’21", and tipped the scales at 290 pounds of badass, unyielding muscle. He was bloodshot of eye, greenish of skin (underneath an ever-present film of soil, blood, sweat, and stale beer), and redolent of his own characteristic aroma. In Selangod and surrounding regions, Gargg was widely known for his brute strength, for perpetrating outrageous pranks, and for his volatile temper. He prevailed in almost every bar-fight (i.e. those in which he was sober enough to stand up). Many of the other Guardsmen were becoming, by this time, uneasy in his company. Inevitably, his inappropriate sense of humor went too far one day, when he deposited a flaming sack of dingo-poop on the Guard Captain’s doorstep, pounded furiously on the door, then ran away chortling with gleeful abandon, to the amusement of his companions. He summarily received a dishonorable discharge from the Palace Guard, and was told to make himself ‘scarce’.

Lamenting the vagaries of his own misfortune, the 8 year old Gargg sought solace at his favorite watering hole — the Downtown Selangod Pub. That same night, a band of adventurers from Pahand City came in looking for draughts to quench their thirst and a fighter to join thier quest (Union Standard pay scale, of course).

<discontinuity,>

The twelve year old Gargg thus began his life of adventuring. What transpired thereafter that became the stuff of legends, and vaulted Gargg to celebrity status within the Seven Cities, and throughout the far reaches of the Great Outside.

Following Gargg’s betrayal by Scruffy and Delal, and shunned b
y the remaining members of the Grinding Gears Party, the Hero of Pahand found himself utterly alone for the third time in his 13 year life. Although his first two impulses were to smash the entire Party into an unrecognizable, bloody pulp, Gargg wisely restrained himself in favor of his third impulse, i.e. to crawl into a hole and pull it in after himself. Not knowing where else to go, he made his way to the lower level of the Caverns of Izza-Shizzl, and sought out the mysterious granite slab upon which he had carved “Gargg wuz heere” during happier times not so long ago.

As Gargg approached said granite slab, he could not believe his eyes. The stone was covered in smudgy, enormous deep red lipstick prints, and crudely drawn depictions of valentine hearts, smiley-faces, and flowers. A stuffed were-bear doll was holding a cluster of ribbons which tethered several floating, balloons in bright colors and festive shapes. There was a hand-beaten copper vase with a dozen red roses, a cake topped with a single burning candle, a keg-sized jug of ale, and a massive haunch of rotisserie-cooked pork. Last, but not least, were two large stones of a kind just perfect for loudly smashing together. “Gargg must be dreaming!”, he exclaimed in wonder, and pinched himself just to be sure. Upon his eager inspection, he found that everything he saw was quite real after all. The delicious aromas of the meal enticed him, and very soon Gargg had consumed the lot of it. Feeling the effects of the ale, he smashed the two stones together lustily, singing a song of joy which he had only just then recalled from his early childhood. He picked up his stuffed bear, curled himself around it, and contentedly drifted off to a deep, peaceful slumber, certain that he must be in Valhalla (or some place very much like it).

A short while later, three gaseous forms wafted down the corridor, encircled the sleeping Hero, and coalesced into the forms of three extraordinarily hideous Ogre Magi. These were none other than the exiled Royal Princesses Varla, Bella, and Rita. Each were dressed in their official hot-pink IEG sorority plate-mail, and armed to the teeth with (count ‘em) six +2 2-handed swords, one clutched menacingly in each mighty Ogre-mitt. The Magi cautiously poked, prodded, licked, and sniffed the deeply unconscious Garggleblasst, who had of course unwittingly consumed several doses of sleeping draught with which his meal and grog had been heavily laced. They inspected his armor and his belongings, and marveled at what they saw. "Ya think that’s Him?", rumbled Bella, “No offense, but Gargg was always kind of a puny little kid. He oughta be about 8 or 9 now, but this bloke looks big enough to be at least 12 or 13.” “No doubt about it,” affirmed Rita. “His facial structure is consistent with the Royal Garggian lineage. He even resembles his daddy, that young cleric Varla had that time we got hammered on sacramental wine.” Varla, for the first time in her life, found herself entirely at a loss for words. She hugged Gargg tightly to her ginormous ogre-breast and covered his face with monstrous ogre-kisses, smearing deep red lipstick all over both their faces in the process. Then, collecting her composure, Varla, as President of the IEG, rendered her decision. The Magi quickly removed all evidence of the feast. Then, they gently and reverently carried the sleeping Garggleblasst through the secret entrance into their hidden underground lair.

This, then, is the story of how Gargg was reunited with the maternal side of his family, and discovered his true heritage as the rightful, yet exiled, heir to the Ogre-Throne of Clan Gargg of Southern Ogredom. Gargg was instantly made a legacy member of the I Eta Guy Sorority, and was introduced to the Ogre Pledges and to Mother Gwynn, the Sorority Chaplain.

Gargg soon learned that his family and their group were mostly CE, the only exception being Gwynn who was CN in alignment. After joining them upon some of their caravan raids, Gargg became very worried by the Sisters’ aggressive acts against the Humans, as he was wise enough to know that this sort of behavior would be quickly noticed, and would not be tolerated. Eventually, his family would be hunted down and annihilated by the Human governments. After much discussion, during which Gargg related his experiences in the palace guard, and described in detail the grand scale of military actions at the Battle of HatYaid, Gargg was able to convince the IEG to concentrate their CE energies in an equally lucrative, highly amusing, yet much safer endeavor — the business of creating Haute Cuisine made especially Of the Monsters, By the Monsters, and For the Monsters.

Thus was born the concept which evolved into Chez Ogrez, The Restaurant at the End of the Dungeon. A huge construction and remodeling project commenced, incorporating half of the lower level of Izza-Shizzl. Farms were established. Irrigation and plumbing was piped in from the nearby underground river. Living quarters for the Magi were expanded and luxuriously appointed. A state of the art kitchen, pantry, wine cellar, and cold room were constructed off the main dining hall. A lounge and reception area was created, as well as other amenities for the customers’ convenience. Pledges and slaves also had their quarters relocated to more convenient and defensible sites. The Sisters were kept busy with decisions concerning furnishings, art, decor, and learning new skills in restaurant management. Attacks on wagon trains became much less prevalent, as the Sisters no longer participated in this activity. As such, plans by the local governments to investigate these attacks were placed on the back burner in favor of solving more serious social and environmental problems.

The much anticipated Grande Opening of Chez Ogrez dominated the Society Pages of all the most exclusive evil underground newspapers throughout Ki. It did not escape the notice of certain off-world observers, who were also eager to “gather data” on this very avant garde social phenomenon. Reviews were uniformly enthusiastic and praiseworthy, even those NOT planted by agents of Chez. Underground celebrities such as (Ex-) Duke Haverstaff (formerly of HatYaid City), and the Dowager Widow, Mrs. Thrakkriddian, had standing reservations, to be accommodated at a moment’s notice. Strange beings, such as Admiral Pohn-Fahrr of a region known only as “Romulus”, and Kommander Kare-less of the Klingon Empire, made occasional appearances, along with their entourages. An indescribable mound of purple-green, known only as “E. Grimmiss” would order massive 23-course meals, completely occupying the entire restaurant at one sitting.

Gargg’s current position, at age 13, is Executive Saucier Chef de la Cuisine at Chez Ogrez, which has now achieved the coveted status of being a Smash-elin $$$$$ fine dining establishment, offering unique culinary experiences for the adventuresome palate. From thence he adventures forth upon tax-deductible working vacations to the outer reaches of Ki, sometimes accompanying various adventuring parties, to locate new and exotic species for the Chez Ogrez Menu de la Cuisine.

Chef Gargg thus leads a double life. He continues to occasionally travel in company with the Grinding Gears party, sending word to the IEG Pledges to recover the bodies of slain monsters and human perpetrators for storage in the cold room at Chez. Soon, because of “dumbass suicidal behavior”, the Party became targeted for termination by the Enlil Church of the Inquisition, and Gargg knew that the time had come to leave the Grinding Gears once and for all. He slipped away under cover of night, and made his way west toward the Caverns of “U know where”. Chef Gargg is now in retirement from adventuring, having embraced the family business and his Southern Ogre heritage. Whenever he is asked, “How’s life?”, Gargg replies, “SMASHing, baby, SMASHing!”

Legal Disclaimers: Although Mr. Garggleblasst (a.k.a. Gargg) has, for convenience sake, traveled in the company of many different adventurers throughout the years, he has never been a member of the “Grinding Gears” Party. Furthermore, he disclaims any knowledge of their present activities or whereabouts, and he has no financial or business interests in common with said Party. During the Great Hatyaidian Siege, Gargg was a full-time employee of the Lilac Inn, Pahand City, serving in the capacity of “Secutity, unspecified”.

Chef Gargg

Chez Ogrez radweiler